Moving towards fear.

Thought I knew a lot about this… have recently found out, I know nothing (insert clip from Bluey: “Dad, what’s your name?” “Dad” “What am I touching?” “Nose” “What am I holding?” “Nothing” “Dad, knows, nothing… hehehehehe.”

Today I asked myself why I am writing this in a public place? 1st off, I seriously doubt anyone will ready this. At least not in the near future. I don’t know how many people visit my website… I don’t check the data. Second, I find myself motivated when I believe what I”m experiencing is shared. Not sure why we hide so much. I mean, I do know why, so I’m trying not too. This feels like a safe space. Sure, take a look inside my journal. I’m probably going to write a song bout it anyway. Why not have all the musings about it available for consumption as well?

So here I am today.

Hung out with my friend Tyler. he did not give me permission to use his real name, but he’s also not going to read this so he’ll never know… as long as you don’t tell.

Brought him up to speed on my current direction with music: my belief that God is pushing me back into the industry. Back into the community and the relationships that I left almost 9 years ago. however, this time doing it differently. 1. not alone. 2. with intention and purpose 3. being compelled by God through obedience and faith and not through forced or aimless self-indulgence.

Tyler listens well. He is a good listener and if you know me at all, I need good listeners around because I need a pretty large wall for all my words. i.e. this space.

I got all my words out and left Tyler’s place. It was maybe 43 seconds away when it hit me. I feel it in my stomach. I can actually feel it a little right now. The feeling could be described many ways. Its tight. I bet my watch would say I’m stressed. It is sorta like nervous, but with less excitement. Sorta like guilt, but with less numbness. Shame and fear. Fear for sure. Definitely feeling like I did something wrong. Definitely afraid I’ve messed up. and then the stories start FLYING. How cow I can make up some stories. Today’s headlines were mostly around how I don’t belong in the music industry. how I’m not as good as I think I am. How I will never find my place and those who are already entrenched don’t want me there. I don’t have anything to offer. I used to be good, but now I’m just old. I don’t even have a place to write. Dare I go on??!?!

Here I what I’m noticing. In the past, I hated these feelings so much that I simply avoided any interactions or circumstances that could potentially cause them. For several years I wouldn’t even jog or drive down music row because of how it made me feel. I picture Jenny from Forrest Gump seeing her old childhood home for the first time since she left. and what did she do? She threw rocks at it.

I was hurt by, through, and because of the music industry. Some of my own doing and some simply by proxy. I because someone I hated when I was there. and now, it’s as though I’m walking back up to the front door and knocking, quietly asking if I can come back in.

Today with Tyler was another visit to the front porch. I looked in the windows some. Smelled something good coming out of the kitchen, then said goodbye and drove away. I wonder if I’ll go in? I wonder if I’ll stay? I wonder if they have a room? A friend? A warm fire in the fireplace?

I wonder who all lives there now? Did they see me wondering around?

Do they know about the loose 3rd step that creaks at night

Have the found the box of cards I hid

Have they painted any walls or did they leave it just as it is.

Yeah I went back to that old house.

Just to see if it’s still there.

I went back to see what I would feel.

It looks smaller now that it did back then

The house I grew up in.

rob

Failure

I grew up playing baseball. And now that i’m 40, it’s ok for me to safely admit that I was pretty good. I only played on 1 good team. My senior year of high school, we won our state championship in Mississippi. Till that point, I was always on a losing team. I remember what it felt like to expect to lose. The other team, the winning team, had swagger and confidence. They usually had nicer uniforms and gear. They were bigger. Their dads yelled louder. The moms brought better snacks in nice coolers. You get the point.

I knew what it felt like to lose. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t know any different. By the time I was on that winning team in high school, my heart had left baseball and I didn’t care that much. I was glad it was over. I was ready to move to Nashville.

Since then, I have done some winning. I have had success. I had a friend just this week remind me of some of my success. What I have begun to notice more clearly in the past few weeks is that my success has been easy. I haven’t put myself in a position to fail. Most of the time, I just had to say yes. I took very calculated risks, which, I’m not sure is a risk at all. I certainly didn’t put myself in a position to be told no. I stayed far away from those people. Now that I see that, I am beginning to understand something I have never understood about myself. I think I’m really really afraid of rejection and failure. I don’t want to tell you what I really want to do, in case it doesn’t happen. I don’t want to knock on the door of the person I really want to work with, because they may slam it in my face. I have not been bold or courageous. I have walked through doors that were opened for me. Which does and will happen from time to time. But I am learning, through trial and conversation, that if I want something more, I have to start doing some knocking.

In Matthew, we read about how when Jesus called his disciples, those who were fishing, “dropped their nets and followed him”. This has always been one my favorite visuals. Working there on the shore, mending and cleaning. Jesus comes along. “Follow me”. Ok. Drop nets. Follow. Dang.

If God is calling me into the music industry. Not just to write songs, but to be in relationships and to be involved and intertwined in the world that exists there, then I will have to leave behind some of the comfort I currently know. I will have to take some risks and walk into some rooms that I’m afraid to walk into. I think this is where God is calling me. I think I will go. I will be afraid, but that’s ok. Let’s see what happens when I drop my net and follow.

rob

Reality

I remember vividly when I realized, or was shown, that I was not who I thought I was. VIVID.

The location was a building off of Nolensville Pike called the Carpenter’s Square. I think it was some sort of community space. Maybe a mission of sorts. They hosted daily AA meetings upstairs in a corner room. The first time I went it was completely packed. Maybe 40-50 people. I want to say the group was diverse, but from what I remember, the demographic was uniform. I was a minority by many measurables. Color. Clothes. Smell. Teeth. I was not in a room where I would have run into anyone I went to church with… that’s for sure. Or worked with. Or seen at Trader Joes. I was out of place. Or so I thought.

I sat in the back… I know, shocker. And I watched. I was committed to observing. Fly on the wall. Yes, I was sober at this point. Maybe a few months sober. But I am not sure I had said “I’m an alcoholic” out loud.

If you have never been to an AA meeting, they all basically follow the same format. The routine and familiarity allows for a sense of security, safety, and belonging. If you know what’s coming next, you aren’t as afraid. This is a good thing when your life has been full of chaos. It’s the same reason military school works for some kids who can’t sit still. Give them some structure, guidelines, and firm boundaries, and they slide right in.

There are some readings from the Big Book (AA bible). They read the tenants, or the rules of the meeting. Then they open the floor. People introduce themselves in the way that has become known to society outside these rooms. “Hi, I’m Rob, I’m an alcoholic”. “Hi Rob”. “I’m 46 days sober”. “Nice work!”

People are given “chips” to celebrate sobriety milestones. Weeks, months, years.

Then there are the stories. This is where I was completely caught off guard.

Every story I heard that day sound just like mine. Think about this. Imagine going to a prison and listening to inmates talk about what happened to them. now, you are not an inmate. You have not been charged and sentenced. You don’t wear an orange jumpsuit or have a number. But, when the inmates told their story, what you heard was your story. some of the characters are different. But the scenes sound eerily familiar. The decisions the same. the motives the same. The desire and hope, same. The feelings, the reaching, the anger, the hurt, and the sadness… same, same, same. The only difference? They got caught.

They got caught. That’s it. Wrong place wrong time? Think about it. Which one of us has upheld the law? Which one of us is completely clean? None. None of us. So what happens is this. You, and I, are no different. None. maybe even more guilty. I have stood on the side of the highway while a state trooper pulled drugs out of my backpack. I didn’t go to jail. I don’t know why. I have talked my way out of DUI’s a several occasions. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m white and “clean cut”. Maybe I have learned how to be really accommodating and kind. I’m not sure if this is a blessing or a curse… or both.

That day, in that room, during that AA meeting, I heard other people tell my story. They didn’t look like me, or come from where I come from. They had never stood on stages in front of thousands, or written hit songs, or married a beautiful woman, or driven a nice truck, or owned an Apple Watch or bought $300 pair of jeans. They were living in a halfway house because they got out of jail last week for drunk driving. Their parents were dead, or high, or gone (all the same). They had no one to help them outside “the system”. They were alone. They were hurting. They wanted something else out of life. They had no options. They were here because a judge told them to come because the system says this will make them “better'“. Except we all know, nothing is going to make any of us “better”. We don’t need to be “better”… we need a savior. But these people won’t go to church because the church doesn’t know what to do with them. So, they come to an AA meeting. Same meeting I was at. And it’s in this room where they find people just like them. It’s where I found people just like me. and then this strange thing happened.

I cried.

Like, a lot.

These were my people. Right here in this room. This is who I am. Holy shit. “I am not who I thought I was”.

oh no. oh no. oh no. I don’t know if this is good or bad… but it’s true. I can’t unsee it. I really am not who I thought I was. I’m not clean. not even close. shit.

I think about this every day of my life. I see it everywhere now. I would say it it was pushes me towards my God. I am not who I think I am, I am who he says I am. All you have to do is open the Bible. I literally just opened my Bible and landed in Romans 12. Listen to this,

“For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think but to think with sober judgement, each according to the faith that God has assigned.”

Stop… go back. Read it again.

again. Slower this time.

rob

Angry

I have been angry. Now, I have learned a lot about anger over the past 8 years. anger isn’t bad. it isn’t good. Like all our emotions, it simply is. It says I want something. Often anger is mistaken for rage, which is a perversion of fear. Maybe I am afraid. Let me say that again. I know I am afraid. Maybe that is what’s coming out.

Ok then, I want to start over. I’m afraid. I’m getting older. I don’t feel like I’m doing what “I” am supposed to be doing. I am having a hard time accepting where the Lord has me. I’m afraid I am going to lose out on my “dreams”. I’m afraid I’m going to lose. I’m afraid I am a loser. My ego is taking a pretty serious run through the wringer and I suspect it’s exactly what God wants for me. ugh… I thought I was humble. Nice. There it is.

Being reminded once again, because I need to be reminded, that my life is not mine. My hopes and dreams aren’t what the Lord wants. That is so opposite what the world tells me. COMPLETELY opposite. I feel that. It feels like fear and sadness.

“But I will give you the desires of your heart.” I know. I know the Bible says that. and to be honest, I’m not sure what it means. what I am sure of is that I believe I am putting myself into the hands of my God. Meaning, I am being obedient. I am not fighting to make something happen. I am not forcing what I want into a narrative that doesn’t work. I am prioritizing what I believe God has asked me to prioritize. When I do this, I feel myself being pushed to the back. That’s what I don’t like. Myself being less. I actually feel it in my gut. It comes out when i’m driving. Someone doesn’t use their turn signal and I get all bent out of shape. I don’t matter to them.

How I am defining value is shifting. God is showing me how much I rely on my performance, my status, my ability for my value. As He moves more and more into my center, I am being pushed aside.

I had the honor of hearing some friends of mine tell me how impactful I have been on their lives over the past year. They see something in me I don’t see. They value something in me I don’t value. Because when they benefit from my friendship, I don’t get a “high” from it. I would say, “it does nothing for me”. This moment was very eye opening for me. God revealing to me how much I EXPECT things to “do something” for me. If I don’t get something out of it, then I don’t value it. This is opposite of what Jesus teaches. Jesus teaches to give of yourself and expect nothing in return. He says my gift is to be HIM.

So I am learning what the means. In real time. Right now while typing. What does it mean for Jesus to be my gift. I think I know on paper what it means, but I’m not sure what it feels like. However, I am sure I have been in and experienced his presence, but on a day to day basis, I’m am learning. What does it feel like to walk with Jesus. I don’t think it’s the same as being a rock star, or flying to the moon, or getting high on drugs. Although, I wish it was that way.

My brain is slowly catching up to my heart and for this I am grateful

Father thank you for teaching me. Thank you for being kind and gracious as I stumble along. Help me. help me help me. Not my will but yours. Be your glory for ever and ever.

Play

I called Emily this morning and told her I am burnt out. It’s Feb. 22. It’s grey outside. It’s winter and winter sucks. And 90% of my interacts with people revolve around suffering. I’m tired of it. I’m burnt out. I don’t want to suffer right now. I want to play. I want to escape. I think it’s a “seven” thing (enneagram). We/I just get to a point where I don’t want to do it anymore.

its the sense that something is shifting. As I’ve gotten older I have learned to pay more attention to the signs. This one started with my knee. My damn knee. I ran 41.3 miles a few weeks back for an ultra marathon. It was awesome. I love doing that stuff. Everything felt good. Later that same week, I started back into my routine. I did 4-5 miles. couple days later, I did 8. and I could hardly walk after. It was bad. Pain and swelling. So, I went to my chiropractor for some guidance. He said no running. That was a week ago.

In the last week, I have gone through withdrawals, depression, anger, apathy, and “f-this”. It’s like my whole world is coming down. Just cause I can’t do my normal thing. I’ve been to the gym 3 times. My knee feels a lot better, but I’ve already questioned my love of running and whether or not I will ever do it again. I mean, will I? Do I even want too? how quickly I move to and fro.

I do want too. I love running. I love it a lot. I’ve gone on a couple bike rides and it’s just not the same for me. My guess, as if it matters, is I will heal and keep running. Maybe in a week…maybe longer. But until then, I have to rest. and rest is hard. maybe that it was I’m fighting. Maybe that is why I want to play. The idea of rest is just too much. But play is something I know I can handle. Let’s go somewhere and do something and have fun while we go! But rest… just laying on the couch. Or reading a book. Or doing a puzzle. I can’t do that for a week. So I’m not going too! There! Showed you! You!… which I guess in this case is actually me. So There, me. Got you, me.

I don’t even know what I would do for fun right now. Camping always comes to mind… but the truth is… I don’t really like camping that much. If you say, “Rob, would you rather camp in a tent on the top of a mountain, or lay by the pool at a beach resort”… I’m going beach resort. Is there a nice gym? yes? Done. Resort. I love hotels. and I love airplanes, busses, and going. Camping doesn’t involve much going. Just a lot of dirt. Which, I also don’t really like.

So, cheap flight? I don’t have any extra money. How do I replicate that experience? hotel on the beach. Or a hotel anywhere for that matter.

More Than Words

Not a fan of the title of this post. but its a work in progress.

Quick rant.

Change REQUIRES movement. talking about stuff doesn’t result in anything. Talk therapy, is talk. You must leave the room, and DO SOMETHING. This is absolutely practical in nature. it’s not romantic. It’s not sexy. It doesn’t make us feel better (at first). It’s very very very simple.

What is the issue? What do you have big feelings about? What is the activity, or the situation, that is causing the trigger? Often this is what is discovered and discussed in therapy rooms. Then we tend to talk about all the things that we could do, or should do. or we will talk about all the ways we can learn to suffer well. And sometimes, that is what needs to happen. But, there are other options that I don’t hear discussed very much.

Actual CHANGE. Change your life. Make a different choice. Take today for example. I going to make an assumption that there are parts of your day you are excited about, or at least “ok” with, and parts of your day you are less excited about, more “meh” about. Then maybe, there are parts, or whole sections, that you are flat out just suffering through. Maybe 8 times out of 10, that part of your life doesn’t end well. Maybe it’s with your kids. Maybe it’s your work. Maybe it’s your marriage or your car, or money or, whatever.

There are 2 ways to deal with this. They are connected, but different.

1. You have feelings about this. That’s what the issue is. This “thing” (input part of day you hate) is taking from you. demanding from you. Asking you for something. Hurting, or even harming you in some way. It’s doing something to you and you have feelings. Probably big ones. Fear, Hurt, sadness, anger, lonely. Big feelings. Some people only want to deal with the feelings, and this is ok. and often helpful. Let’s talk about it. This is a lot of what I hear in therapy and about therapy. We talk about our feelings and what’s causing our feelings and what to do with our feelings. It’s about pain management. Suffering well. Don’t hear me wrong, this is important. It is good to suffer well. however, there is option 2.

2. DO something different. This step goes beyond feelings. This step takes your feelings and uses them to compel you to action (anger + another feeling usually). Look at the source of your big feelings. Let’s go with kids because that is what has caused my biggest blow up this week. I know my kids have pushed me this week. I know they have needs and I have needs and this week, those 2 things didn’t line up. one kid went too far, then I exploded and it was ugly. We had some conversations and necessary reparations were made. (Step 1). Then, Emily and I started talking about what needed to be done differently. How do we make sure we don’t get here again? Boundaries. Venting points. Structure. Scheduling. its work. It’s using our brain to make different choices in an effort to protect our hearts, and our kids’ hearts. That is what I mean.

I don’t mean you have to quit your job cause it sucks. But maybe you do. Maybe your wife needs to come home earlier. Maybe you need to get away from that friend group, or that bar, or that website. There are lots of things that we allow in that can cause massive disruption. I’m giving you permission to question these things. Family holidays. Vacations. Budgets. Are you using your life or is it using you.