John Wayne

When I was a kid, I loved Davey Crockett. My mom made me this outfit, with the tassels down the arms and legs. It was supposed to emulate the deer hide clothing he wore. I had a coon skin hat. I had a toy musket. I was Davey Crockett. It was awesome.

Well, unfortunately, I have found out recently that I’m not Davey Crockett. Sad. So sad. he was a badass. I want to be a badass. I’ve always wanted to be the hero. The guy who knows what to do and how to do it. I believe this desire is part of my nature.

Ultimately, I want to be God. Until we come to terms with this fact, we are never going to be able to let God be God.

Me wanting to be Davey Crockett, or in the song’s case, John Wayne (each character represents the same idea), is really me wanting to not need. To have it all. To be a “badass”. This is me wanting to be God. When I don’t need anything it means I have reached one of two logical conclusions:

1. I don’t have any needs.

2. I already have my needs taken care of.

While similar, these 2 ideas couldn’t be more different. It’s about the starting point. When I see John Wayne up on his horse, with his cool hat, and his gun, staring down at some hopeless criminal, I see a man who simply doesn’t need anything. he has his gun, his horse, his authority, his experience. He know what’s going on, and he will tell you he knows how this is going to end. He is our cultural example of a man who needs nothing. Literally. Not that his needs have been met, indicating that at some point he had needs, but now he doesn’t. John Wayne portrays a man WHO NEEDS NOTHING. You ever imagined John Wayne as a kid? What was he like when he was 8? Did he go crying to his mom with a skinned knee or whine about his brother being mean?!?! hahaha… no! 8 year old John Wayne doesn’t exist because in our collective consciousness, John Wayne is the patron saint of masculinity. St. John (Wayne). Strong, bold, courageous, and needless. he is there to provide, to conquer, to defeat, to rescue, and do it all with a small and a catch phrase. Sounds amazing. Looks amazing. Very sexy. Very alluring. Complete BS. No really. Stop the tape. Turn up the lights. Stop! This is all BS. Complete falsehood. A lie from the pit of hell, if I may be so dramatic. But I’m not being dramatic. I’m telling the truth.

Statement 2- My needs have been met. This idea brings to the table the admittance of need. And this is crucial. This is incredibly important. I’m going to say it one more time. I cannot oversell the importance of recognize your own need. Seek it. Ask to see it. Look for it. It is this very awareness of you need that opens the powerful, beautiful, awe-inspiring door to a Savior.

Once aware of my need, I can ask for help. I can also try really hard to meet my needs on my own, which will eventually fail (although some people have the resources and resilience to travel this road for a long time, maybe their whole life. this is another topic).

The rest of us, need help. that comma is there on purpose. I need a dramatic pause. the rest of us… raise you hand. We need help. Thus leading me to write the words:

“The truth is, I’m afraid. The truth is I’m not ok.” “The truth is I lost my gun. The truth is I’m on the run. The truth is I don’t know my way out of this one.”

The truth is, I’m not John Wayne. I’m not Davey Crockett. I’m Rob. And I know Rob. Rob is pretty sure Rob isn’t a badass. Rob is doing the best he can with what he’s got, but let’s be honest, that’s not much. and I’m not trying to be humble here. As a matter of fact, can I run with this for a second? Our culture is so adverse to the truth that we shame ourselves and each other when we try and admit it. really grinds my gears. Ok. back on track.

I think you get what I’m saying. My inner critic is telling me to stop and I’m going to listen. There is more here, but I will get to it later. For now, let’s all agree to begin to deal with the truth. I wish I was John Wayne, but I’m not. And the corresponding truth is that it’s much better this way. I’m not going to say Jesus is the real John Wayne because that’s about the dumbest thing I could think of. Jesus is Jesus. So let’s start taking our cues from him. let’s redefine who we are. I’ll break it down slowly.

1. We need. help.

2. Jesus offers us the perfect solution for our needs

3. Repeat.

Why do dishwashers leak?

So maybe words are my thing. In a world dominated by photos, images, videos, reels, and memes… i’m the word guy. Awesome. or… classic.

This is what I want to be saying that the social media platforms don’t allow time for. This is what’s going through my brain. I came home today and the dishwasher wasn’t draining. I was icing my knee in preparation for a 12 hour ultra race I’m running in 2 days when my wife informed me of the faulty appliance.

I took a deep breath. I was on the couch. I was watching tv. My knee hurts. Was hurting. still is.

I did not want to work on the dishwasher. none the less, I got up and began the process.

Step 1 - Begin the process.

Step 2 - do not, under any circumstances, ever, no matter what, create a timeline. EVER. This is certain death to good attitude and victory to the ruining of days goblin that lives inside kitchen appliances (and car engines).

Step 3 - Don’t talk much. Nothing good usually comes out.

I fixed the dishwasher draining issue. Yes, it was user error on my part. Yesterday I installed a new garbage disposal and did not realize there is a cap, or a seal, inside the dishwasher drain pipe. There, bored yet?

No biggie. Only took like an hour to figure that out. Turned on the dishwasher to enjoy watching it drain and feel the warm satisfaction of accomplishment only to watch water start squirting from the bottom of the door.

deep breath

(google search) “Replace Kenmore dishwater bottom door seal” … scroll… scroll… YouTube video. Hmm. Ok… fast forward. Hm… I have those tools.

(google search) part #… ah. $4.52 part. aaaand. $8.99 in shipping. of course. It’ll be here Wednesday.

The kids are in bed. I haven’t eaten. but the house is quiet. What are these moments for? Why do we have days like today? We all have them. They are completely unavoidable. Nothing really went wrong. Nothing was really lost other than some time with my kids. It was just annoying. It was just not what I wanted to be doing with my day, or my time. It just threw me off. Maybe I’m writing this in an effort to get “un-thrown"? Not sure why I’m throwing myself around right now.

Back to the question. What do I do with days like today? Mostly I just want them over with. They can feel pointless and I hate that. Like having a 4 way stop where there is no traffic… ever. Whose idea was that? Results of living in a fallen world. I say that a lot. And I don’t like that one either. Like I’m just supposed to accept that everything is broken, has broken, or will break. So don’t get comfortable.

And it’s about this time that the words of an old acquaintance, Chip Dodd, comes to mind. Life is a shit sandwich and you’re starving to death. There’s no real winning. So the work becomes more about learning to suffer well than learning to not suffer. In my short working as a therapist, this is mostly what I find myself doing with clients. Learning to suffer well. Jesus talks a lot about suffering. he promises us we will suffer. and he promises us we will not suffer alone. well… there it is. I’m writing this so I don’t have to suffer alone. Welcome to my suffering! Isn’t it wonderful! I’m going to make some food.

rob

Social Media

Maybe I’m old fashioned. Actually… I’m sure of it. And not simply for the sake of being old fashioned. I like to think I have some well thought out reasons behind my decisions.

Today, I deleted my social apps from my phone. Also, while I’m being transparent. I have already written this blog and then accidentally deleted it… which is a shame. Because the first iteration was an absolute masterpiece. You would have cried, laughed, and surely altered the course of your life in response to the powerful words that I had written.

Unfortunately, those words are now lost forever. So you are stuck with these words instead.

I need space. And I need pace.

Space and pace. Space to pace. Pace in space.

I’ve quit socials today so I have more brain and heart space. This will also allow me to find a better, for me, slower, pace.

Over the past few months, as I have worked towards the release of my latest song, and those still to come, I have spent countless hours trying to figure out the role social media is to play in my life. I am told point blank that I can not have any sort of success without Tik Toc. I’m told I must post a certain amount of times. I’m told a lot of things.
Finally, I told myself something.

This isn’t about me. I know right… go ahead and sigh and roll your eyes and make your judgements. I’ll wait.

Are you done?

Good. Hear me out you jerk. it’s not about you either. But holy cow do we make it about us. I make it about me. I’m so blinded by it. How do I approach my relationships, thoughts, words, music, blog post, websites, emails in a way that is not about me? What does it look like for me to engage the word around me in such a way that my God is front and center. Can I do that on instagram? can I do that? this is a hard question for me. But i’m in the business of asking hard questions (like how do I rationalize having a savings account when Jesus teaches us not to store up treasures on earth…. yeah. I know).

So, in an effort to engage and wrestle with this question about social media, I have decided to try moving away from them. Let’s see what happens when I invite people to engage in a different way. You have my email address. There are contact buttons on this website. They go straight to me. I will be putting out music. I will be writing and thinking and striving.

By my hope is that this movement will be done in a way that can only be interpreted as God honoring. God inspired and God led. God first. Him through me. and if there is a question about this, I want it to be made known. By you, to me. I want to declutter and focus. this is how I am attempting to do this.

that’s all

rob