I have been angry. Now, I have learned a lot about anger over the past 8 years. anger isn’t bad. it isn’t good. Like all our emotions, it simply is. It says I want something. Often anger is mistaken for rage, which is a perversion of fear. Maybe I am afraid. Let me say that again. I know I am afraid. Maybe that is what’s coming out.
Ok then, I want to start over. I’m afraid. I’m getting older. I don’t feel like I’m doing what “I” am supposed to be doing. I am having a hard time accepting where the Lord has me. I’m afraid I am going to lose out on my “dreams”. I’m afraid I’m going to lose. I’m afraid I am a loser. My ego is taking a pretty serious run through the wringer and I suspect it’s exactly what God wants for me. ugh… I thought I was humble. Nice. There it is.
Being reminded once again, because I need to be reminded, that my life is not mine. My hopes and dreams aren’t what the Lord wants. That is so opposite what the world tells me. COMPLETELY opposite. I feel that. It feels like fear and sadness.
“But I will give you the desires of your heart.” I know. I know the Bible says that. and to be honest, I’m not sure what it means. what I am sure of is that I believe I am putting myself into the hands of my God. Meaning, I am being obedient. I am not fighting to make something happen. I am not forcing what I want into a narrative that doesn’t work. I am prioritizing what I believe God has asked me to prioritize. When I do this, I feel myself being pushed to the back. That’s what I don’t like. Myself being less. I actually feel it in my gut. It comes out when i’m driving. Someone doesn’t use their turn signal and I get all bent out of shape. I don’t matter to them.
How I am defining value is shifting. God is showing me how much I rely on my performance, my status, my ability for my value. As He moves more and more into my center, I am being pushed aside.
I had the honor of hearing some friends of mine tell me how impactful I have been on their lives over the past year. They see something in me I don’t see. They value something in me I don’t value. Because when they benefit from my friendship, I don’t get a “high” from it. I would say, “it does nothing for me”. This moment was very eye opening for me. God revealing to me how much I EXPECT things to “do something” for me. If I don’t get something out of it, then I don’t value it. This is opposite of what Jesus teaches. Jesus teaches to give of yourself and expect nothing in return. He says my gift is to be HIM.
So I am learning what the means. In real time. Right now while typing. What does it mean for Jesus to be my gift. I think I know on paper what it means, but I’m not sure what it feels like. However, I am sure I have been in and experienced his presence, but on a day to day basis, I’m am learning. What does it feel like to walk with Jesus. I don’t think it’s the same as being a rock star, or flying to the moon, or getting high on drugs. Although, I wish it was that way.
My brain is slowly catching up to my heart and for this I am grateful
Father thank you for teaching me. Thank you for being kind and gracious as I stumble along. Help me. help me help me. Not my will but yours. Be your glory for ever and ever.
